Friday I Ching Blogging: After Aidan

    As many of you know, I tend to use the I Ching for big political questions.  Some are vexed by this, because they understand the oracle as being more appropriate for intimate personal questions.  My own sense is that it can be used for both with equal benefit.  Today, however, I will ask a more personal question.  In light of my current circumstances, I went to the oracle with this query: What is the way forward without my son, Aidan?

    The I Ching came back with a message of caution: go slowly in adapting to the new context of relationships in the aftermath of Aidan's death.  Do not force adaptations to his absence, be mindful of differences among family members on what is now appropriate, and keep an eye on maintaining the integrity of the family as a whole.

     The particulars of the divination: Hexagram 54, "The Marrying Maiden:"







   

     with a moving line in the top position, therefore tending in the direction of Hexagram 38, "Opposition:"

 

 

 

 

     There's a way in which this could be read as a bad omen.  The Marrying Maiden is all about a second wife coming into the household of her new husband, where the first wife is already established.  It is a situation fraught with vulnerability and hazard; mistaken actions could produce painfully emotional effects.  The moving line at the top suggests that empty formalism - simply going through the motions of relationships without genuine affection and care - will simply make matters worse.  And the tendency toward Hexagram 38 implies that, if wrong actions are taken, inherent oppositions will grow and undermine the common purpose of the family.

      But I am not taking this as a negative prophecy because the oracle is telling me what I have to do to avoid a bad outcome.  It is possible to keep things together and realize the collective humanity of the family, in which each individual's humanity is fully expressed, if we keep a couple of key points in mind.

    Here is the Judgment from Hexagram 54:

The Marrying Maiden.  Undertakings bring misfortune.  Nothing that would further.

 This suggests that we should not try to do too much in making the changes necessitated by Aidan's death.  There is, for example, the question of how my wife will redefine her activity and time.  For years she had taken Aidan to a special school in another city, an hour away.  She went there about four times a week, driving him back and forth, and volunteering in the same school during the day.  All that that is over now.  We have talked some about her continuing to volunteer there, perhaps two days a week, or to find other ways to use her extraordinary skills of assessing the needs of disabled children and adapting school curricula for them.  What this hexagram is telling me is not to force any of this.  There is no need for her to rush into a new life.  We should take our time and let the answers come as they will.  Do try to achieve the future as an "undertaking," but simply let it unfold of its own accord.

     The same goes for the question of rearranging my daughter's room.  She shared a room with Aidan her whole life, twelve years.  Since his passing, she has not wanted to sleep in that room anymore and even says that she does not want a room of her own.  Obviously, the loss of her brother is still close and painful for her.  We talked with her about it a couple of nights ago, and I realized that we should not push for immediate changes.  She can sleep with her mother for a time, and I will sleep in the room she shared with Aidan.  In a few days, we will likely take Aidan's bed out of that room (it is a hospital style bed), but we will not, at that point, say to her that she must return there.  We will wait.  If she wants to move into an entirely different room, we will do that.  But we will let the solution emerge from her gradual adjustment to Aidan's absence.

    Here is another point the oracle is bringing to the fore, which seems to, but really does not, contradict the advice to not try to do too much:

But every relationship between individuals bears within it the danger that wrong turns may be taken, leading to endless misunderstandings and disagreements.  Therefore it is necessary constantly to remain mindful of the end.  If we permit ourselves to drift along, we come together and are parted again as the day may determine.  If on the other hand a man fixes his mind on an end that endures, he will succeed in avoiding the reefs that confront the closer relationships of people.

 The idea here is, I think, to be mindful of the big picture.  Do not try to orchestrate each day's actions, but keep an eye on the most important, longer term goal.   And that goal is the togetherness of the family as a whole.  We may differ in the short term, but we must find ways of accommodating our individual needs so that we continue to find ourselves through our collective self.  Maybe that is my job.  Maybe I have to look ahead and gently guide the immediate toward the enduring.  Sounds a bit abstract, but it gives me a focus.

    And the oracle gives a bit of an insight into how this can be done:

Affection as the essential principle of relatedness is of the greatest importance in all relationships in the world.  For the union of heaven and earth is the origin of the whole of nature.  Among human beings likewise, spontaneous affection is the all-inclusive principle of union.

     In looking to the future, we should allow for and follow our spontaneous affections for one another.  Love is the lodestar.

Comments

[Allan Lian]

Sam,
If you look at your question again, the simple answer from the Yi is: to give more of your love to your daughter. That is also applicable to your wife.

The answers are contained in the two trigrams of Hexagram 54 representing your elder son and younger daughter; the Images of both hexagrams may be applicable to you; and Hexagram 38 for your wife and your daughter.

Glad to see that you can transcend the situation.

Regards

Allan

[The Rambling Taoist]

I'm still unsure what I think of the I Ching as an oracle, but it does cause one to look at things from different angles, some of which we might not readily think of on our own.

[Allan Lian]

Perhaps a further elaboration here may help some readers understand my interpretation of Yi’s answer to Sam.

We cannot possibly think that the Yi will advise Sam to take a young girl as a secondary wife, the theme of Gui Mei / The Marrying Maiden. Therefore what did the Yi want to tell him?

The hexagram comprises of two trigrams; Zhen the upper trigram represents the eldest son and Dui the lower trigram represents the youngest daughter. With Aidan gone, Sam is left with his daughter. Instead of sharing love and time between two children like in the past, both parents can give more love and attention to the young girl who will soon become a teenager.

The image of the Marrying Maiden says: Thus the Junzi understands the transitory in the light of the eternity of the end. This is deep, probably we need to understand a bit of Tao to understand the meaning. Sam understands the message.

When only a top line is moving as in this oracle, it usually means a difficult situation depicted is transcended or overcome. Therefore there will not be any misfortune.

The resultant hexagram Kui / Opposition depicts two women, one younger, one older living in the same house. They may have opposing wills, but that also can be overcome by producing gradual effects in small matters.

Lastly the image of Kui says: Thus amid all fellowship the Junzi retains his individuality. Probably Sam understands the Confucian meaning better than me. And this would be the way going forward.

[Ruby in the Dust]

This may seem tangential, but the phrase "empty formalism" really struck a chord with me. I lost my mom very young, and one of the things I clearly recall happening is eventually just starting to shut down when people tried to offer the "standard" words of comfort ("She's not in pain any more," and the like). The people who said them meant well, but it felt hollow in a big hurry.

I'd definitely put in a word for watching out for anyone in your family who seems to shut down that way, who just goes blank in the face of comfort. Anyone who does needs a lot of extra support. Mourning is for the ones left behind, and it can be all the more difficult if no one remembers that and responds to it.

[John]

Our laws don't permit of polygamy so this reading could be a man in an empty marriage taking a younger mistress. If it were a housekeeper or governess it would be plausible that the wife and the "secondary wife" (mistress) could live under the same roof and fight.

[safea]

ive been doing the iching for many years now and have found it to have no past or future interpretation more for the here and now,many times ive invisaged the hexagrams in my mind and they landed as predicted...its wonderful reading but dont make it the master of ur destiny..could someone tell me why is death such a mourning and taboo word in the west it is welcoming for those in pain and a passing into another dimension of our being which is readily accessible should one desire..enjoy living and when it is time enjoy ur death..for its a journey of a lifetime..

[Anonymous]

The "second wife" represents struggle in household. The first hexagon is the missing roof overhead, too. A sign of instability. The second hexagon is the roof restored.

[indra]

I aksed the iching: she has move on but there still seems to be connection here. I got the marrying maiden no unchaging lines, I believe this is a bad omen saying not to purseu this relationship further?